I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
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When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.