They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.
If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened