@samsara668

They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I’ll never piss on an electric fence again

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@jellybnbonanza

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

@ohwrigley

Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

@ADifGuy

Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore meds in the mistletoe aisle.

@MouthOfSass

If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

@mulegirl

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

@lovejulieacafe

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

@truegritrumble

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened