@Marlebean

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

@TheBoydP

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

@dog_feelings

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

@ddsmidt

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

@batkaren

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

@causticbob

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@njlitigator

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens