They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.