They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
They got a point!
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.