[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
You Might Also Like
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
#parenting
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.