Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
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I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.