Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
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To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.