@joeljeffrey: They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I've spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
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@SortaBad: Interviewer: Why do you think you'd make a good waiter? Me: (says nothing) Interviewer: are you...waiting? Me: *nods* Interviewer: holy shit
@Quadricycle: [At restaurant] I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! But I'm on a diet so... [To waiter] Do you have diet horse?
@jackiembouvier: I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.
@JocMaxedOut: If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds...how did cockroaches get their name?