@SortaBad: Interviewer: Why do you think you'd make a good waiter? Me: (says nothing) Interviewer: are you...waiting? Me: *nods* Interviewer: holy shit

@Quadricycle: [At restaurant] I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! But I'm on a diet so... [To waiter] Do you have diet horse?

@jackiembouvier: I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date again.

@JocMaxedOut: If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds...how did cockroaches get their name?

@moneybreton: Top Fears 1.Walking on manholes 2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death 3.Christopher Walken