@KeetPotato: henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife's head off and i can't get a txt back

@thebeckyard: [Body shop] Hi. Yes I'd like one new body please.

@LeBearGirdle: With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they're gonna scream my name and I'll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista's cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

@DomBorrett: Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

@SortaBad: i'm lonely just not "inventor of the boomerang" lonely