They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

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Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today


pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love


How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.


When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.


Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.


“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”


me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no


Best thing about living in NY is you can order anything, anytime, and 30 minutes later it shows up. You see here? This here is an orangutan.


Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.