Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
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pope: love all
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Relationship status: outside my wife’s window, holding John Cusack over my head.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Best thing about living in NY is you can order anything, anytime, and 30 minutes later it shows up. You see here? This here is an orangutan.
Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.