They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
You Might Also Like
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency