I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Life cycle of cat
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by