They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.