@TheAlexNevil

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

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@supershayne

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

@psybermonkey

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

@smithsara79

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

@abbycohenwl

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@causticbob

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

@markydoodoo

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*