They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
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I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.