@TheAlexNevil

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

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@RdrJay47

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

@zachreinert03

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

@dril

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

@McNevich

Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING

@KeetPotato

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

@steph_the_twit

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

@lisaxy424

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

@ScorpionDong

Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me

@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…