Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
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A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over “My Heart Will Go On”…said the guy in the car next to me
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…