They say love is worth more than money. But I’m pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.

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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.


Uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh huh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh huh

Me, Rap battling


Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?


Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!


Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?

Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant

B: what drugs are you on?

Me: good ones



LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.


Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?

Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?


‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.


Today, I threw away all the random chargers and cables that have been collecting; I’m sure that every electronic ever associated with one of them will now show up instantly, after not having been seen in years.