They say love is worth more than money. But I’m pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.

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My dog doesn’t always bark like there’s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I’m home alone and in the shower.


Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA


I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.


*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope


Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.


The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.


Finding out your ex has a bad life is like finding 100 $ in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.


Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.


[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt


There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.