They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
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THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Husband of the year 😂
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?