“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
gentlemen, hear me out
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here