They say misery loves company and I’m like, no I don’t.

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So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.


In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.


Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.


Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*


Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.


I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.


They call the game Fortnite because it takes 14 days to tear your kids away from it.


Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937

With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch


QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?


Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.