@Thatsit4me

They say misery loves company and I’m like, no I don’t.

You Might Also Like

@MisfitMuse

So far, I’ve gotten away with passing as an adult again today.

@3sunzzz

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

@mimicz

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

@EndhooS

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@just1fool

I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.

@SkippyMcGizzard

They call the game Fortnite because it takes 14 days to tear your kids away from it.

@USMCSDI

Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937

With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

@FatherofTweet

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.