They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
peep davidson
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.