They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
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TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
When the stylist spins you back around
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.