They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
@funTweeters
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.