My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
12. I think about this all the damn time
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY