they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
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I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”