@harriweinreb

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

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@joeyhuggles

My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy

@thenatewolf

I have a hot house to protect me from the cold outside. Inside my hot house I have a smaller cold house to protect my food from the heat of my hot house.

@trainwreck1000

General Contractor: Don’t worry ma’am, everything will be ready, we’ll have the scaffolding set up and erected.
Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha

@TheOnion

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

@Authoralexp

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

@ShortSleeveSuit

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

@SeanINCypress

Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.

@BakedBrotatoes

-Does it have apples in it?

-No.

-What about pine?

-No pine either.

-Perfect, we’ll call it a pineapple.

@Demented_Jokes

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.