they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
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It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n