Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” –Riley Cooper’s girlfriend postcoitus
I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread
that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
ME Okay, forget about it then
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Put all the money in the bag and no one-
*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*
MOST people won’t get hurt!!