@bazlyons

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

@Jesssicle

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

@KenJennings

“I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” –Riley Cooper’s girlfriend postcoitus

@JustDontBugMe

I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.

@dksc4life

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

@GrowlyGrego

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

@KimmyMonte

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

@TheToddWilliams

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

@gobmentcheese

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

@sad_tree

[Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-

*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*

MOST people won’t get hurt!!