<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
ME: well said, kitty, well said
FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.
I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.
I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”
I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don’t know English when people wanna make small talk.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.