@arealliveghost
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
@bazlyons
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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@arealliveghost
@Staggfilms
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
@mortimermaiden
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
@hythemafia
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
@QwertyJones3
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
@LurkAtHomeMom
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
@NewDadNotes
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
@Brianhopecomedy
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
@TheRealIJM
Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch
@CrapLocalNews
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