@bazlyons

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

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@arealliveghost

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

@Staggfilms

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

@mortimermaiden

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

@hythemafia

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

@QwertyJones3

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

@LurkAtHomeMom

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

@Brianhopecomedy

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

@TheRealIJM

Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch