@LoveNLunchmeat Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
@bazlyons They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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@LoveNLunchmeat 
@Jesssicle The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
@KenJennings “I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” –Riley Cooper’s girlfriend postcoitus
@JustDontBugMe I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.
@dksc4life Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
@GrowlyGrego It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
@KimmyMonte Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
@TheToddWilliams [first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
@gobmentcheese In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
@sad_tree [Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*
MOST people won’t get hurt!!