They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”