@bazlyons

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

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@3sunzzz

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

@3sunzzz

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

@jonnysun

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

@Gupton68

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

@weinerdog4life

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

@TDeeRock

Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.

@NewDadNotes

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

@rolldiggity

Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”