@3sunzzz
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
@bazlyons
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
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@3sunzzz
@3sunzzz
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
@jonnysun
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
@Gupton68
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
@weinerdog4life
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
@TDeeRock
Dating tip: find a guy with a compatible charger.
@NewDadNotes
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
@sixfootcandy
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
@TheAndrewNadeau
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
@rolldiggity
Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”