They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

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if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body


If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.


*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.


Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..


Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.


My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”


God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?




Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )


My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.


Reply to this tweet by closing your eyes and typing Benedict Cumberbatch