@bazlyons

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

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@aneesa_p

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

@Sparticus_af

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

@iliezabeth

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

@darkmatter_wimp

At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.

Win-win.

@juliothesquare

I sprained my wrist again furiously writing a check, tearing it from the checkbook and going “I trust this will suffice.”

@Sarcasticsapien

I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don’t know English when people wanna make small talk.

@alovablenerd

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

@LindaInDisguise

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.