Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@chuuew

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

@PaperWash

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

@EvanSilliams

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

@krisv_723

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

@ThyArtIsMemes

I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster

@ObviousOstrich

Pepper spray does not taste like pepper.

@MarfSalvador

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

@PatsATweetin

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

@JB4Realz

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.