[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
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Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
who wants to go expliring
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away