GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
They say rabbits don’t have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don’t have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don’t eat carrots.
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Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil
*puts wedding tape in VCR
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I am calling for a truce between emos and kpop stans to take down the one true enemy, Ticketmaster
Pepper spray does not taste like pepper.
me: a boat!
me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.