@ilovepie84

They say rabbits don’t have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don’t have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don’t eat carrots.

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@sock_holliday

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

@davidkenny100

Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs

Later

Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?

@JessObsess

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

@CelebrityChez

How to make pasta:
-Boil water.
-Put what you think couldn’t possibly be too much pasta in the pot.
-Wrong.
-Start an Italian restaurant.

@JayaNaJaye

Told my mom about my past relationship and then told her not to tell my dad. She told my dad and then told him not to tell me. My dad called me and told me that he knows and told me not to tell my mom. So basically 3 of us know but can’t tell each other.

@HenpeckedHal

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

@LHGarrett

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

@PleaseBeGneiss

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

@CheryeDavis

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.