@ilovepie84: They say rabbits don't have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don't have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don't eat carrots.
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@awkwardphilippe: [at my intervention] mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
@LostFelicia: My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
@brianbowman73: How to cow tip: First, sneak up behind the cow. Next, get into a wide stance. Finally, slip the money into it's bell.
@Kyle_Lippert: Just saw a dude catcall a woman with "Nice heels, girl" and his friend slapped him and said "Those are knock offs, bro"
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