They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
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Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂