[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you
[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
they say running is addictive, that’s why i don’t do it, i’m afraid i’ll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.
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I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.