@DiscoFruit

they say running is addictive, that’s why i don’t do it, i’m afraid i’ll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.

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@upsidedowntrash

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

@meganamram

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

@LuvPug

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

@markhoppus

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

@Kryzazy

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@hansmollman

Biden: How do I throw everyone off the White House Netflix account? I’ll be damned if Trump is gonna mess up my suggested list

@longwall26

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.