RANGER: Remember, don’t feed the bears
ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE’S RIPPING ME APART!
RANGER: What did I just say!?
they say running is addictive, that’s why i don’t do it, i’m afraid i’ll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.
You Might Also Like
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Axl: Where do we go now?
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
There is no “i” in “stupid.”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“What’s your band name?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*