Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden