@DiscoFruit

they say running is addictive, that’s why i don’t do it, i’m afraid i’ll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.

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@Brampersandon_

RANGER: Remember, don’t feed the bears

ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE’S RIPPING ME APART!

RANGER: What did I just say!?

@iAmDelFreaky

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

@LuvPug

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

@abaldguytweets

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

@junejuly12

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

@mela_shea

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

@nbadag

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

@starrysappho

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*