Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.