@House_Feminist

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

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@putyoursisterd1

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

@bornmiserable

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

@Sassafrantz

Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Lisa
Barista: Pizza?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.

@Mr_Kapowski

*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*

[5 mins later]

*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”

“Sir, that was motor oil”

@panmidwest

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

@Reverend_Scott

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

@BartenderMB

My girlfriend says I’m easily distracted during sex and it’s a problem. Well, better get back to it. Bye.

@Chel__CLE

Seriously ppl who eat pizza with a fork & knife? This is America. We shove it in our faces like the rest of the fat people. Get it together.

@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

@ClichedOut

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes