Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
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“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.
*eating before going in Costco*
“Now I won’t overeat samples*
[5 mins later]
*slams cup down*
“Hit me again”
“Sir, that was motor oil”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
My girlfriend says I’m easily distracted during sex and it’s a problem. Well, better get back to it. Bye.
Seriously ppl who eat pizza with a fork & knife? This is America. We shove it in our faces like the rest of the fat people. Get it together.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes