They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
*looks at you in batman voice*
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season