They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that