My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
You Might Also Like
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops