They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
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I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
A bold strategy
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted