They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
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I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school