they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
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*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
im all 3
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!