Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
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If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses