My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window