They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
this has done me in for some reason
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”