They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
You Might Also Like
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
just witnessed a drug deal
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”