They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My loaf of bread looks terrified
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.