“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
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Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me, flirting😏
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
(yawn)
OH. COME. ON.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.