They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.