They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.