@myonlymizztake

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

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@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@JohnLyonTweets

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

@HappyHijabbi

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

@Phook75

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine

@dshack8

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@AssOnHat

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

@xLiserx

If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour’s lawn, just pretend you’re a werewolf.

@foodfacenow

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*