@macchiatonumb

They say women only use 10% of their anger

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@elle91

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

@omgshuddup

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

@KylePlantEmoji

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

@FudgeRobot

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

@karlainvt

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

@joelu72

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

@Dr_awfulpants

Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?

@jlock17

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.