@macchiatonumb
@elle91
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
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@elle91
@omgshuddup
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
@FatherWithTwins
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
@KylePlantEmoji
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
@FudgeRobot
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
@XplodingUnicorn
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
@karlainvt
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
@joelu72
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
@Dr_awfulpants
Who decided to call it an English to French dictionary and not a Two – Deux list?
@jlock17
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.