They say women only use 10% of their anger

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Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.


Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.


ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.


My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?


I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.


a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid


“Yeah I just really enjoy playing devil’s avocado sometimes”

Teacher: devil’s advocate?

Me [grabbing trident and avocado costume]: no.


*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*


When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.


My 3-year-old son is building a shed for me in the backyard, but he refuses to cut the steel roof panels with a circular saw and a carbide blade. What the hell am I doing wrong??