They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
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My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*sewing*
A thread
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less