@karanbirtinna

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

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@PFTompkins

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

@Ohaiqtpie

On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”

@fred_dog

I think my neighbor’s dog is in heat. She’s been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.

@JohnLyonTweets

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

@Rachelnoise

They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.

@simoncholland

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

@Crunk_Jews

Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.

@HelsNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to have candles on his birthday cake…Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.

@YourTumblrFeed

*job interview*
so tell me a fun fact about yourself

Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh-

get the hell out

@WhatTheFFacts

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt