They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?


On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”


I think my neighbor’s dog is in heat. She’s been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.


Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?


They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.


Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?


Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to have candles on his birthday cake…Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.


*job interview*
so tell me a fun fact about yourself

Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh-

get the hell out


Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt