They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
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I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table