They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
You Might Also Like
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!