@jackiembouvier

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

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@DanMentos

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

@huntigula

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

@skullpuppy11

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

@JessObsess

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

@momtribevibe

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

@AristotlesNZ

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..

@JimmerThatisAll

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

@Kyle_Lippert

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD