They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Beware of fowl play.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.