Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

Raisins are grape jerky.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.