The best part about having a muppet for a best friend is that when you’re done singing songs, BOOM free oven mitt.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….
Uh huh ….
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Don’t tell me how to run my account and I won’t make a voodoo doll just to dunk your head in the toilet.
I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”
saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• sword-in-the-stone vibes