@TheCatWhisprer

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

You Might Also Like

@Glynner85

The best part about having a muppet for a best friend is that when you’re done singing songs, BOOM free oven mitt.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

@Skoog

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

@dankashane20

I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.

@SteveKoehler22

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

@ahamedweinberg

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

@LipLush1

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

@_salt_n_lime

Don’t tell me how to run my account and I won’t make a voodoo doll just to dunk your head in the toilet.

@iRowlf

I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.

@SketchesbyBoze

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes