CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
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What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.