Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Duck typos.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next